Going Loco by Lynne Truss

Author:Lynne Truss [truss, lynne]
Language: eng
Format: epub, mobi
ISBN: 978-0-00-743754-2
Publisher: HarperCollins Publishers
Published: 2011-10-15T16:00:00+00:00

Talking ad nauseam about the ex-cleaning lady was not what Dermot had envisaged when he first seduced Viv; and to be honest, it was a bit like being married to her, which wasn’t the idea. But he certainly sat up and took notice on the afternoon when – as the adulterous pair sat in flowery dressing-gowns at the kitchen table one day in March – she finally explained to him why losing Linda had been such a phenomenal blow.

‘The thing is, she was doing my job at the hospital,’ Viv confessed, sobbing.

‘What?’ In his alarm, Dermot poured coffee down his front, leapt up and stubbed his toe. ‘What?’

‘I don’t know how it happened. It’s just that I didn’t really need a cleaning lady. I liked doing all the things in the house myself. I’m good at cooking and shopping and tidying. I gave her the credit and everyone believed me. I stencilled the bathroom and said it was her. I even made all the Roman blinds!’ The thought of such abject domesticity reduced Viv to a further outburst of tears.

‘Jago doesn’t know,’ she added. ‘He must never know.’

Dermot reeled with shock. He gripped the edge of the table. His toe throbbed horribly. ‘This is outrageous, Viv. For God’s sake, is Linda medically qualified?’

Viv shook her head and blew her nose. She couldn’t speak.

‘Viv, she might have killed people.’

‘I know.’

‘Just so that you could sit at home joining bits of chintz!’

‘There’s a lot more to Roman blinds than that, Dermot!’

‘Viv, listen to yourself!’ He jumped up and started striding about.

‘I know, I’m sorry. I know.’

‘What you did was criminal.’

‘I know. I’m sorry. I know.’

Viv made him another cup of coffee. She was glad her secret was finally out, but at the same time rather shocked to discover she’d forgotten quite the magnitude of it. Human beings can become habituated to the most horrible and unnatural things. Custom, as the Czech people so rightly aver, takes the taste from the most savoury dishes. So, by the same de-seasoning process, it had become normal in Viv’s life to watch her cleaning lady take the car to the Royal Southwark four times a week, wave to her as she joined the traffic on the South Circular, and not think much about it beyond ‘Time to get the sewing-machine out, hurrah.’

After all, Linda evidently did a marvellous job in Viv’s place. She had been twice promoted. Surgeons regularly commended her, and told her she had far outstripped their expectations. The only difficult part of the arrangement was that when Viv gave dinner parties, Linda had to hang around until midnight pretending to work, and take credit for the puddings, when she had early appointments next day at the hospital.

However, if Viv was used to the idea, Dermot (as yet) was not. In fact, he was clearly horrified. ‘But how could she do it? How did she know what to do?’

‘Well, she took an interest, you see. She’s like that – she listens and learns. And she admired my medical ability.

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